The End?

It's been a while, eh?

You might be wondering why I've decided to crawl out of the woodwork and post again, rather than to let this blog fade away gracefully into the internet-night. Well, I'm back because I have a few things I wanted to say before I let this blog go. It's not that what I want to say is hugely important in the grand scheme of things, but it's important to me, so here goes.

I currently weigh the most I've ever weighed. I don't know how much, exactly, because I haven't been on a set of scales for over a year now, but I'm definitely visably the biggest I've ever been. And I'm doing absolutely nothing about it.

See, if you go back and read some of my previous posts, you'll notice something. It's subtle, you have to really look, but you can see it in words like "allow", or "make up for" or "I've been bad" etc. It's restriction. Whilst aesthetically I look more conventionally attractive in the photographs from my previous posts, underneath it all, I wasn't having a great time for some of the time. I still enjoyed activities and time with my family and friends, but far too much of my brain was taken up with food and exercise. I'd often be calculating; how many calories have gone into my body today? How many have come out? What can I do to cause a defecit? I frequently felt guilty for "indulging" on nights' out, drinking on friend's birthdays, skipping the gym for whatever reason. No matter how much weight I lost, it wasn't enough. If I gained, I was a failure. Sometimes I was jealous of others weight loss successes, other times shouting my own from the rooftops for some validation that what I was doing was The Right Thing. I needed to know that it was, because it certainly wasn't fun.

It all sounds very dramatic, and I honestly did have some fantastic times; I didn't spend my time in a depressed weight loss haze. The best way to describe it really was a split focus; whenever my mind wasn't on something (work, a conversation, a project), I was thinking about food or my weight. When and what would I eat next? Have I eaten too much today? Am I allowed this chocolate bar? I became a slave to that number on the scale; even though I knew rationally that there's a billion things that can affect weight, that number creeping up or not budging at all really wedged into my brain. Like a big neon 'Loser' sign; a consistent reminder of how I was Not Quite Good Enough. The pressure on a person to lose weight and keep it off can be maddening. It's always there in the back of your head, sometimes making you feel great when you achieve what you're trying to do, but often making you feel guilty for eating or drinking things you like, or like a disgusting failure gaining a pound or two.

Two amazing things happened to me last year. The first was all me; in December 2016 I decided never to weigh myself again. And the amazing thing that came of that is that I stopped gaining weight in 2017. I know this because my dress size hasn't changed since then; all my clothes still fit and I look the same. That might not sound like a big deal, but to someone whose weight has yo-yo'd since puberty, that is brilliant. I accredit this all to me not pouncing on a set of scales every Monday morning like a ravenous beast of the wild. One of the great things that happens when you stop trying to hit some magic number on a scale is that you don't go on binges as much anymore. One of mine (and, I assume, a lot of other people's) most frequent reactions to a weight gain (or even a weight-staying-the-same) was to shovel as much food into my face as I could manage without getting sick as a form of comfort, and sometimes this would happen for days. It'd also often mean not going to the gym or doing any exercise, so you gain even more. I don't do that anymore; I just eat what I like when I fancy it.

The other amazing thing that happened to me last year was that I discovered the body positivity movement through Instagram, and subsequently picked up Megan Jayne Crabbe's most excellent book 'Body Positive Power'. Megan writes about the diet industry, beauty standards, eating disorders and body positivity in such a way that is both captivating and eye-opening. All of a sudden I realised that I'd been chasing a body I wasn't really that fussed about having, but had felt I should have. Society has dictated for a long time what should be considered beautiful, and for most of my lifetime thin has been in. But the thing is, whether my body is lean or squishy, I'm still the same Stacey. It's my personality and actions that give me value, not my appearance or a number on a scale.

I've been working on trying to re-program my brain to get out of seeing being fat as the worst. I'm surrounding myself on social media with diverse models, body positivity advocates and generally awesome people. I'm trying to see my own body as a beautiful vessel for the all the things about me that actually count. Some days I can do that really well, others not so much. A rogue charicaturist at a wedding almost sent me spiralling, but luckily I have amazing friends and there was a dancefloor that needed my immediate attention, so crisis averted. It's a journey I'm on, learning to appreciate my body for what it can do, and in 2018 I intend to try to listen to it more and treating it a little better (i.e. fewer takeaways and moving around more), but one thing's for sure: I'm never going back to dieting.

'Cause here's the thing, I might not be slim, I might not look how all the women in the magazines and on TV or in films look, but I'm actually happy. I'm much more confident (well, as confident as a person with social anxieties can be!) now, enjoying myself without restrictions, and seeing the beauty in things I never used to see before. I realise my worth now, and I'm not going to find it in the number on a scale.

A dress I never thought I'd wear at my lightest; rocking this at a wedding in November at my largest! 

Here We Go Again!

Hi there, guys and gals! It's been a minute, hasn't it?

I am here today for one real reason; to take control of my lifestyle, take responsibility for the past few months and to get myself back on track. My last post, back in December 2014, was fairly optimistic; I'd gained some weight but was in the mood to turn it back around. Unfortunately, it turns out I was entirely kidding myself. I said I was motivated and ready and I really, really wasn't. This was really due to combo of many things, from legitimate reasons (work stresses causing exhaustion and anxiety) to big old excuses ("Oh, it's Such-And-Such's birthday on Saturday so I may as well start being healthy on Monday!") etc, but I now am really, truly at a point of wanting to
change. Over the past 12 months, I've gained almost 52lbs. That's a ridiculous number and to be honest I was so shocked when I weighed myself last Friday and saw 103.3kg (226.3lbs) staring back at me. This is now the heaviest I've ever been. Although the increase in my weight has been huge, it weirdly didn't really register with me until 2 things happened; 1. I tried to put on my Adventure Time dress for an event and couldn't get it over my increased knockers and 2. I tried to find a pair of jeans for a costume for a birthday party and failed miserably. It's been a long, long time since my weight has made me cry, but as I sat in the changing room at M&S, looking horrendous in an ill-fitting pair of size 20 jean shorts, I couldn't help it. Just 12 months ago I'd been rocking a size 14-16, depending on where I was shopping, and exuding all sorts of hard earned confidence. In that changing room, I was the exact opposite, and ended up actually bailing out of what was definitely a flippin' brilliant party because of my inability to obtain jeans that didn't make me look gross.

I will say though, that a very weird thing has happened in terms of my looks; whilst being unable to find some jeans had me really upset, my overall outlook on myself and my body has quite vastly changed. I think part of this is due to the fact that my weight has distributed itself differently this time round (I seem to have gained more boob-age and butt meat, and a little less tummy weight than usual) so that, although I am heavier than I've ever been, I look quite different. However, I also think this may be because my weight loss & gain journey has taught me that I am more than just my weight and looks. No-one at work treats me any differently now that I'm 52lbs heavier. My husband doesn't love me any less. I still have great times with my friends. I still write for the Geek Syndicate website and basically, nobody important to me gives two hoots that my dress sizes are now bigger. I've learnt that confidence from within can really change how people see you on the outside, and I'm trying really hard to beef up my self confidence. It's something I've always struggled with, given my penchant for anxiety and mild depression with a side order of paranoia, but as I get older I'm realising that actually, my personality and actions are what count, not my appearance.

I do still want to shift some weight though, more for my health than anything. There's been a noticeable drop in my fitness and stamina, and as mentioned before, I felt healthier this time last year.

I've nabbed some leaflets from work (oh, the benefits of working in a dietetic department!), ordered a free booklet from the British Heart Foundation, and am ready to Do This Thing. (Fingers crossed I can keep some of the extra boob weight though; the girls are looking pretty fantastic! Ha!) Today was my first 'Getting Back on Track' day, and I must say it's been rather successful. Cereal for breakfast, ALL THE SALAD for lunch, vegetable stir fry for dinner, an increase in my water intake, a trip to the gym and a seven minute work out at home. I already feel a little better, even though my legs are basically jelly! Updates soon! In the meantime, does anyone have an healthy recipes to share? Due to getting home a little later after the gym, The Hubby and I managed a less than 450kcal dinner through a Sainsbury's stir fry meal deal. There's a little more salt in pre-prepped stuff like that than I'd like though, so any healthy alternatives would definitely be appreciated.

I know what you're thinking; what's the difference between this post and my last post?

This time, I mean it.

PS. I met Kevin Eastman. It was AMAZING.

Long Time, No Blog

It's been a while since I last posted. After my birthday in September I fell spectacularly off the healthy wagon. I made a lot of terrible food choices, have been to the gym at most once a month (good use of my money there!) and have been out and therefore eaten out and imbibed a fair bit of alcohol quite frequently. There are many reasons for this (work stress, anxiety, a family bereavement, exhaustion etc), but basically it comes down to me. I take full responsibility for the fact that I have undone all the good work I did at the start of the year.

That being said, I'm not going to dwell on the mistakes I've made. I'm not going to let my perceived "failures" dictate where I go from here. I'm not going to keep on down this unhealthy road.

I know the idea of the New Year being a "new start" is fairly arbitrary, but after Christmas I will be cleaning my weight loss slate and starting anew. I know that trying to get back onto the healthy train this side of Christmas will be difficult and possibly de-motivating due to all the foods and temptations on offer, and the closure of the gym, so I'm giving myself til the New Year to get my head together.

I've learned from this past few months that putting too much pressure on myself is a mistake. I only make myself down and then I turn to food to bring me back up. So, next year I'll be weighing myself less frequently (1 or 2 times per month, tops), setting myself less strict goals, and generally trying to be more relaxed about my weight. Hopefully this will lead to a happier Stacey, and therefore a less piggy Stacey!

I don't want this entry to seem like a massive downer (it's not at all; I'm very motivated and excited to start my journey over in the New Year), so here are some of the highlights (not weight related) of the past year:
1. The Stacey's Pop Culture Parlour live show in July was AMAZING. I got to chat with some wonderful people, had a brilliant time and managed to raise £1235 for Operation Smile! I have been astounded by the positive feedback and totally overwhelmed by the amount we raised. The page is still open for donations, should you like to chuck in a few pence to make a child's day over at www.justgiving.com/SPCPLive.
2. Thought Bubble 2014 was, as per usual, brilliant. I did my first spot of cosplay (terrifying!), rocked a Legend of Zelda dress at the brilliant mid-show party, and got to chat with loads of people I don't get to see very often. Great stuff.
3. INTERVIEWING ROB PAULSEN, YOU GUYS.
4. BIRTHDAY! I will never outgrow the thrill of a birthday or Christmas. Ruddy love 'em, and this year's birthday was great! Had another fancy dress party at which I was The Shredder (80s cartoon-stylee) and just had a brilliant laugh-fest of a time 😄
5. Kathy's wedding (as mentioned in my last post) was great fun! She looked stunning, I felt great in my new dress and had a brilliant time essentially having a slumber party in the hotel room after the reception. Lovely!

There's much more brilliant stuff that's happened but my lunch break is almost over! I promise to keep up with this blog more in the New Year, and hope those of you reading who are also planning to shed a few pounds find it inspirational, helpful or at least vaguely interesting! I hope you all have a happy, healthy and fun-filled Christmas and New Year; see you in 2015!

Current Weight: 89kg (196.2lbs)

A New Start?

It's been about 3 months since my last post, and that is mostly because I've been struggling. A lot. I've been finding sticking to my guns, particularly around food choices, really hard. I've been quite lucky in that I've managed to keep my weight stable at somewhere between 79.5kg and 81kg,  and I believe that's only because I've kept up with my exercise plan, but that's not good enough anymore. I have to do better, for my health and for my confidence.

So how do I get back on track? Summertime is always hard for me; the heat and pollen means my energy is low and I rarely feel particularly well (people think hay fever is a joke of an illness, but believe me; until you've suffered with it you just don't get it. It's like having a mild flu for months on end). The heat also often leads to ice cream binges (I've just discovered Oreo ice cream sandwiches, and honestly I could see them becoming my new summer best friend) and beer garden trips. That being said, I've a wedding to go to at the end of August, and I am making it my mission to get into a nice new dress for the occasion, and I'm going to do that by doing the following:
1. Keeping on the exercise plan
2. Making better food choices
3. Not giving in to every temptation
4. Being more sensible with booze
5. Not giving up whenever I stumble a bit

It's gonna be hard. It's gonna be sweaty. It's gonna be frustrating at times. But when I post the picture of my outfit for the wedding, it's going to be BRILLIANT.

Sorting Out

Bit unusual of me to post so close together, but I have weight loss news, which is that I finally cracked the 50lbs loss mark! I had hoped to hit this in February, but then after all the craziness mentioned in my previous post, I'd rather psyched myself out and thought I would never get there. However, I weighed myself on Friday and came in at 78.5kg (173.1lbs). I practically did a lap of victory around the meeting desk at Karis
when I got off the scales, I was so chuffed! This is a big milestone and I am proud, amazed and frankly a little surprised that I've come this far, and very excited to continue on to hit further goals.

Anyhoo, the real reason I wanted to post today was due to a rather impromptu wardrobe sort out that ocurred this afternoon. I've recently developed an addiction to Teemagnet (a website that showcases 8 other sites which offer super-cheap t-shirts for 24 hours only) and so I really needed to make room for all my new t-shirt purchases. As such, I thought now would be a good time to banish some of my "fat" clothes from my wardrobe forever. Whilst it was a bit sad to part with some of my favourite items of clothing, it was really quite therapeutic and sort of liberating to just take a fair chunk of my wardrobe and bin it. Anyway, I seem to be rambling; the point of this story is this: remember that progress picture I posted a few entries back, and on the left I was wearing a Batman tee and black pencil skirt? Well, I found the pencil skirt and, for fun, tried the outfit on again. As you can see from the picture here, I think I'm pulling the look off a lot more now than I was then! Unfortunately, I had to throw the skirt away after this photo was taken as I was actually having to hold it up a bit! I cannot tell you how amazing and incredibly satisfying it is to see this same outfit at different times, side-by-side, showing exactly how far I've come.

So here's my advice to anyone starting their weight loss journey. Pick an outfit (any outfit, but preferably something you like to wear) and take a full-body photo of yourself in it. Then keep it, and do this very thing with it in a year or so. When you see yourself so often in the mirror, it's often difficult to notice just how much you've changed, and just how big your old clothes are now. Seriously, I was ecstatic when I put the ensemble on (and even moreso when I binned the skirt shortly thereafter!) and I highly recommend this feeling.

Current Weight: 78.5kg

February Flop

Oh dear. I seem to have rather spectacularly fallen off the wagon during February. I did lose a little weight the first week, but then due to a combination of illness, exhaustion, a trip to Manchester and a general dip in motivation, my gym trips decreased a bit and my diet went somewhat out of the window. I did manage to keep a little bit of control and only gained 0.7lbs over the month, but I am pretty much kicking myself over the whole affair. I did so well in January and then everything went to pot somewhat.

In a bid to get myself back on track, I'm setting myself a few goals for March, and I'm doing it publicly so I can be held accountable! Here we go:

1. I shall be off booze again for the rest of the month. I had thought about doing this on alternate months, but then realised that these would fall on the months of me and my hubby's anniversary, the hubby's birthday and my birthday! But I may do these off and on throughout the year.
2. I have to start going to the gym at least 2-3 times per week again. I went today and it was actually really good for my motivation; I got a 5k PB of 00:35:25 and did my longest period of jogging without stopping (35 mins).
3. I currently weigh 175.9lbs (79.8kg), so my goal for the month is to be 170lbs (77.1kg) or less. I think this is achievable if I stick to my guns, food-wise.

I guess I'll check back in at the end of the month!

Current Weight: 79.8kg

January Update (Or How I Need To Set Myself Better Goals)

Right, without further ado, here's how I did for January:

It's not particularly clear from that graph (but I like the downward trend of it; that's definitely the right direction!) but I actually lost 10.1lbs in January. I could not be more proud of myself, I tell you. I was a little disappointed not to hit my 50lb target, but at just 1.3lbs away it won't be long before I smash it. I hope! I will admit, I am slightly concerned about keeping up the diet; due to lack of funds and attempting Dry January (which I achieved, I'm happy to report) I didn't get much in the way of temptations or meals out this month, meaning I had much more control over what exactly went into my gob. However, February already has several plans going on (Superbowl/my mate Paul's birthday weekend, curry night with the Premier League Predict-A-Ball crew, a trip to Manchester to see St Vincent etc...) so I'm going to have to work extra hard to keep on track. But I know I can do it, and now I have even more incentive to keep it up; a few days ago I ordered a size 14 dress from Dorothy Perkins, with a view to fitting in it by Easter this year.

It arrived today, and it TOTALLY ALREADY FITS. Check this terrible photo for proof! (Hey, you try taking a better photo when contorting about the bathroom to try to get your whole self in a little bathroom mirror :P) What with the shorts goal and the dress goal already thwarted, methinks I'm going to have to start setting better goals for myself... In all seriousness, I was stupidly chuffed to get into this dress, and actually checked the label no less than 4 times after taking it off to ensure they hadn't sent the wrong size... I've never been a size 14 before, so this is most definitely a Big Deal, and a huge incentive not to undo all my hard work by being a February Pig. I must say, I think the best thing I've done so far is accepting that I can eat what I want sometimes, or go out and enjoy a nice meal, without it being the end of the world. A little extra discipline just before/after and a bit of extra gymming should sort it out, like :)

Right then, boys, look away now; it's time to talk TOM! I'll admit I was rather disappointed on Thursday when I hopped onto the scales hoping to have lost 1.5lbs to hit my 50lb target, and I'd actually lost just 0.2lbs. I racked my brain to think of why, after 3 PB 5ks at the gym that week and a very good dietary intake (aside from that one Toffee Crisp the previous Sunday), and then it hit me; it was my time of the month (or TOM, as I shall refer to it for the rest of this entry, as that seems less gross :P). DISCLAIMER; not all women will gain weight during their ladytimes, so it's worth keeping track of your weight weekly and seeing if there is a rise (or a significantly smaller loss, like in my case) once a month around your TOM. I know I gain between 1.5-3lbs during mine, as I'm a little obsessive about documenting my weight and have about 3 years of weekly weigh ins to compare and contrast! This month alone illustrated my point quite nicely; Week 1 I lost 5.5lbs, Week 2 2.2lbs disappeared, Week 3 was 2.2lbs again, and Week 4 was 0.2lbs, despite doing nothing differently. So, if you're one of those unlucky ladies that does gain during that time, why is this, and what can you do to stop/reduce this gain? The most common causes for weight gain during TOM are;

• Water retention: Hormone bonkers-ness and the resultant water retention is one of the biggest reasons for weight gain during TOM. To avoid this, try reducing the sodium intake in your diet just before and during your period.
• Bloating: If you're anything like me, you'll spend your TOM feeling constantly like you're the size of a blimp, worrying that an errant pin or sharp object might just pop you right then and there. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about bloating, except avoiding foods that you know can sometimes cause you to be bloated (for me, that's potatoes!)
• Food cravings and overeating: As sugar levels fluctuate during your TOM, you might get cravings, particularly for sugary foods. Again, there's not much you can do about this except try not to give in to the cravings. Or you could try low fat alternatives, like frozen yogurt/gelato instead of ice cream, a nice Options hot chocolate instead of a chocolate bar etc.

Other tips to remember during TOM:

• Tiredness before or during your period can cause you to give into sugary cravings as well as give up on any exercise regime you may have been following. If this is the case, try increasing your iron intake a little by scoffing red meats and/or dark leafy green vegetables and beans to try to quell the fatigue.
• Keep exercising! Although you may not feel like doing a lot, it's incredibly beneficial to at least keep up the bare minimum of exercise. Some exercises can even help to alleviate period pains, so there's an extra bonus!
• Be sure to drink lots of water and avoid too much alcohol and caffeine in order to stay hydrated and healthy.

Of course, if you do find out you're a TOM Gainer like me, then you could just ignore your weight that week (or not weigh in at all), and just keep up the good work until the following weigh in! I think it's about time I stop talking about TOM now (guys, you can come back now!), so, in other, completely unrelated to weight loss news, but very much nerdy news; last week I had the brilliant opportunity to interview a childhood hero of mine for my podcast. Rob Paulsen (aka the voice of original Raphael, Yakko, The Mask, Pinky, the current Donatello and squillions more) did a wonderful interview with me. I must admit I'm a little embarrassed by the episode, as you can clearly tell that I'm struggling to keep my fangirling at bay so I barely say anything, but Rob himself was wonderful! Really smart, funny, articulate and an absolute gentleman. So, so sweet, and just a pleasure to chat with. I really hope I get to meet him in person some day so I can prove that I'm not a squeeing mess. If you want to have a listen, the episode is over at www.popcultureparlour.podbean.com :)

Current Weight: 79.5kg (175.3lbs)