You might be wondering why I've decided to crawl out of the woodwork and post again, rather than to let this blog fade away gracefully into the internet-night. Well, I'm back because I have a few things I wanted to say before I let this blog go. It's not that what I want to say is hugely important in the grand scheme of things, but it's important to me, so here goes.
I currently weigh the most I've ever weighed. I don't know how much, exactly, because I haven't been on a set of scales for over a year now, but I'm definitely visably the biggest I've ever been. And I'm doing absolutely nothing about it.
See, if you go back and read some of my previous posts, you'll notice something. It's subtle, you have to really look, but you can see it in words like "allow", or "make up for" or "I've been bad" etc. It's restriction. Whilst aesthetically I look more conventionally attractive in the photographs from my previous posts, underneath it all, I wasn't having a great time for some of the time. I still enjoyed activities and time with my family and friends, but far too much of my brain was taken up with food and exercise. I'd often be calculating; how many calories have gone into my body today? How many have come out? What can I do to cause a defecit? I frequently felt guilty for "indulging" on nights' out, drinking on friend's birthdays, skipping the gym for whatever reason. No matter how much weight I lost, it wasn't enough. If I gained, I was a failure. Sometimes I was jealous of others weight loss successes, other times shouting my own from the rooftops for some validation that what I was doing was The Right Thing. I needed to know that it was, because it certainly wasn't fun.
It all sounds very dramatic, and I honestly did have some fantastic times; I didn't spend my time in a depressed weight loss haze. The best way to describe it really was a split focus; whenever my mind wasn't on something (work, a conversation, a project), I was thinking about food or my weight. When and what would I eat next? Have I eaten too much today? Am I allowed this chocolate bar? I became a slave to that number on the scale; even though I knew rationally that there's a billion things that can affect weight, that number creeping up or not budging at all really wedged into my brain. Like a big neon 'Loser' sign; a consistent reminder of how I was Not Quite Good Enough. The pressure on a person to lose weight and keep it off can be maddening. It's always there in the back of your head, sometimes making you feel great when you achieve what you're trying to do, but often making you feel guilty for eating or drinking things you like, or like a disgusting failure gaining a pound or two.
Two amazing things happened to me last year. The first was all me; in December 2016 I decided never to weigh myself again. And the amazing thing that came of that is that I stopped gaining weight in 2017. I know this because my dress size hasn't changed since then; all my clothes still fit and I look the same. That might not sound like a big deal, but to someone whose weight has yo-yo'd since puberty, that is brilliant. I accredit this all to me not pouncing on a set of scales every Monday morning like a ravenous beast of the wild. One of the great things that happens when you stop trying to hit some magic number on a scale is that you don't go on binges as much anymore. One of mine (and, I assume, a lot of other people's) most frequent reactions to a weight gain (or even a weight-staying-the-same) was to shovel as much food into my face as I could manage without getting sick as a form of comfort, and sometimes this would happen for days. It'd also often mean not going to the gym or doing any exercise, so you gain even more. I don't do that anymore; I just eat what I like when I fancy it.
The other amazing thing that happened to me last year was that I discovered the body positivity movement through Instagram, and subsequently picked up Megan Jayne Crabbe's most excellent book 'Body Positive Power'. Megan writes about the diet industry, beauty standards, eating disorders and body positivity in such a way that is both captivating and eye-opening. All of a sudden I realised that I'd been chasing a body I wasn't really that fussed about having, but had felt I should have. Society has dictated for a long time what should be considered beautiful, and for most of my lifetime thin has been in. But the thing is, whether my body is lean or squishy, I'm still the same Stacey. It's my personality and actions that give me value, not my appearance or a number on a scale.
I've been working on trying to re-program my brain to get out of seeing being fat as the worst. I'm surrounding myself on social media with diverse models, body positivity advocates and generally awesome people. I'm trying to see my own body as a beautiful vessel for the all the things about me that actually count. Some days I can do that really well, others not so much. A rogue charicaturist at a wedding almost sent me spiralling, but luckily I have amazing friends and there was a dancefloor that needed my immediate attention, so crisis averted. It's a journey I'm on, learning to appreciate my body for what it can do, and in 2018 I intend to try to listen to it more and treating it a little better (i.e. fewer takeaways and moving around more), but one thing's for sure: I'm never going back to dieting.
'Cause here's the thing, I might not be slim, I might not look how all the women in the magazines and on TV or in films look, but I'm actually happy. I'm much more confident (well, as confident as a person with social anxieties can be!) now, enjoying myself without restrictions, and seeing the beauty in things I never used to see before. I realise my worth now, and I'm not going to find it in the number on a scale.
A dress I never thought I'd wear at my lightest; rocking this at a wedding in November at my largest!
No comments:
Post a Comment